Thursday, January 23, 2014


If I only had that shiver
rushing down my spine
as we kissed in the early drizzle
of a late London evening,
oblivious to that departing bus,
If I only had the catch in my throat
as I spilled oceans of words
and you caught them
and held them safe,
If I only had the parting of my chest,
dividing to let you in,
If I only had the heat,
a brushfire tinting
my joyous cheeks,

"Dayenu" means "it would have been enough" and is part of the passover seder commemorating the exodus. 

Impostor Syndrome

If there is one thing bullies teach, it is that reality is never enough. Truths - of triumph, or of pain - aren't powerful enough to be real. Disbelief is a weapon that dissected my soul until I could scarcely believe each thought that fell from my brain into my lap, had to second-guess the synapses that felt so real. Bullies say you don't deserve to be real. And those are the voice that echo in the cave where I try to shelter from fears that my work, love, smile, my very being is not good enough, that I am an impostor going through motions, merely pretending to live this life.
They talk about impostor syndrome in graduate school. But when a cup is full to the brim, it overflows more with every pebble.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Single, with a couple of poems


I want to pick up those fragments
of final words
Sweep them away
as you swept me away
so they cannot pollute
all the words that
loved me.


With one match
I can set
your Valentine's Day gift on fire
Feel the warmth in my hands
And imagine
you're holding me
Watch the dancing flame
cast shadows
Kissing the walls
Hold onto this dream
as it falls


My dictionary sits on my chest
a choking brick
friction against my breasts
and still
in that weight
there are too few words,
Scrabble tiles spilled
beyond rearrangement,
with too few letters left
to spell out how I miss you.

Breaking up is the only part of a relationship where mutual consent seems no longer to hold a central place. Perhaps that is why, after so much honesty, caring, checking in and double-checking, the silence when this dissolves feels like such a betrayal even though she did nothing wrong. Sudden, and unilateral, and two weeks later I am left digging out the splinters left behind.